
Emotional intelligence
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You might think that IQ determines our destiny, but it seems that is not the case.
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Emotional intelligence is a branch of psychology that began to be explored in the 1980s and suggests that our vision of human intelligence is narrow because there are unexplored capacities that are essential for our lives as humans.
There are people with a high IQ who do not succeed in their life's endeavors, while others with a more modest IQ succeed overwhelmingly. Let's see how it works.
Emotional intelligence interacts with the world in a way that takes feelings into account and encompasses skills such as impulse control, self-awareness, mental agility, and more.
The power of emotions is extraordinary: only a powerful love, like that of parents wanting to save a beloved child or give it a dignified life, can lead them beyond their own individual survival instinct. From the point of view of the intellect, this is an indisputably irrational sacrifice, but, seen from the heart, it is the only possible choice.
All emotions are impulses that lead us to act, automatic reaction programs with which evolution has endowed us.
We all have two minds, a thinking mind and a feeling mind, and these two fundamental forms of knowing interact to build our mental life. The rational mind, the mode of understanding that we are usually aware of, is more alert, thoughtful, capable of reflecting and pondering. The other type of knowing is more impulsive and more powerful, although sometimes illogical, here we are talking about the emotional mind.
Normally one balances the other, but when passions appear, the balance is broken and the emotional mind overwhelms and hijacks the rational mind. This once again calls into question the old problem of the contradiction between reason and feeling. It is not a matter of trying to eliminate emotion and put reason in its place, but rather of discovering the intelligent way of harmonizing both functions.
Until now, the old paradigm proposed an ideal of reason freed from the impulses of emotion, but the new paradigm, for its part, proposes harmonizing head and heart. To carry out this task, we must understand more clearly what it means to use emotions intelligently.
According to psychologist Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence, there are five main competencies that make it up:
- Emotional awareness . Or self-awareness, which is the ability to recognize a feeling the moment it appears and is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence. The ability to track our feelings moment by moment is crucial for psychological introspection and self-understanding. On the other hand, the inability to perceive our true feelings leaves us completely at the mercy of them. People who are more certain about their emotions tend to digest their lives better, as they have a sure knowledge of what their true feelings are, for example, when deciding who to marry or what career to choose.
- The ability to control emotions. Self-awareness is a basic skill that allows us to control our feelings and adapt them to the moment. In other words, it is the ability to calm oneself, to get rid of anxiety, sadness, exaggerated irritability and the consequences that their absence brings. People who lack this skill have to constantly battle unpleasant tensions, while, on the contrary, those who develop this ability recover much more quickly from life's setbacks and setbacks.
- The ability to motivate oneself . Control of one's emotional life and its adherence to a purpose is essential to instigating and maintaining retention, motivation, and creativity. Emotional self-control, or the ability to delay gratification and stifle impulsiveness, is a unique quality that underlies all achievement. And if we are able to immerse ourselves in the state of "flow" (staying focused on purpose), as Goleman calls it, we are better able to achieve outstanding results in any area of life. People who have this ability tend to be more productive and effective in all endeavors they undertake.
- Recognizing the emotions of others . Empathy is another ability that is based on one's emotional awareness, constituting the fundamental "popular skill." People with empathy tend to tune into subtle social cues that indicate what others need or want, and this ability makes them better suited to vocations such as health care professions, teaching, sales, and business management.
- Relationship management . The art of relationships is largely based on the ability to relate appropriately to other people's emotions. People who excel in this type of skill are usually real "stars" who are successful in all activities related to interpersonal relationships.
Not all people display the same degree of mastery in each of these capacities. There are people who are very skilled at governing their own anxiety, for example, but are relatively inept when it comes to calming the emotional disorders of others. After all, the foundations of our mastery are neurological, but Goleman's explanation shows how the brain can be amazingly plastic and is in a permanent learning process. Gaps in emotional ability can be remedied, and, broadly speaking, each of these competencies represents a set of habits and reactions that, with the right effort, can be improved.
How to improve your emotional awareness
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Before you do anything, know what your emotions are. Recognizing your emotions is the first step to identifying any problem you are facing. Here are some ways to do this:
- Keep a journal . At the end of your day, write down what happened to you, how you felt, and how you coped. Periodically review your journal and make note of any behavioral tendencies or overreactions you may have had.
- Ask for other people's opinions . An important part of getting to know your emotions is to ask others for their opinions on what they think are your weaknesses and strengths. Write down what these people say; compare what they say to each other and pay attention to patterns that repeat themselves. Most importantly, don't argue with these people. They don't have to be right. You, in turn, are just collecting data on how other people perceive you.
- Calm down (or meditate ): Emotions have a way of spiraling out of control when we don't have time to process them. Next time you have an emotional reaction to something, try taking a pause before you react (something the internet has greatly facilitated if you communicate online). You can also try meditating to slow down your brain and give your emotional state room to breathe.
If you've never practiced intentional emotional self-awareness, these tips should give you a foundation to get started. One strategy I use is to take a walk and think about what's going on and gather my thoughts. The important thing is to focus on looking inward rather than clinging to external factors.
Emotional self-control
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Once you know how your emotions work, you can begin to plan how to manage them. Self-control properly means controlling your outbursts, distinguishing between external triggers and internal overreactions, and doing what you need to do.
One key way to manage your emotions is to change your sensory input. You've probably heard the advice to count to 10 and breathe when you get angry (although for someone who is short-tempered or suffers from depression this is nonsense) - if it works for you, then take advantage of it. This is really about giving your body a jolt that breaks the vicious cycle. If you feel lethargic, exercise. If you feel emotionally stuck, shake it off. Anything that helps you break out of routine can help.
The fallacy of catharsis
I have heard many times people react by shouting and yelling, either in an argument or in a traffic altercation because another car has cut them off; and then alluding to the fact that if they do not “unload” on the other person, they will not feel well and could even get sick.
According to popular opinion, venting anger “makes them feel better.” But experiments conducted over the last 50 years have shown that catharsis, or venting anger, does little or nothing to mitigate it (although, according to Goleman, given its seductive nature, it can provide us with satisfaction). Of course, there are times when it is needed, such as to reestablish authority, law, justice, or if a proportional harm is done to someone. ( Study )
However, openly expressing anger is one of the worst ways to calm it down, because angry outbursts necessarily increase the emotional excitation of the brain and make the person feel even more irritated, which ends up prolonging the bad mood instead of ending it. It has been proven that it is much more effective to try to calm down, and then, in a constructive way, engage in dialogue to solve the problem.
Motivation
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According to studies carried out in this field, Olympic athletes, world-famous composers and chess grandmasters share a high level of motivation and rigorous training routine (which, in the case of the real “stars”, begins in early childhood).
What seems to differentiate those who are at the top of their career from those who, having a similar ability, do not reach that level, lies in the arduous and routine practice followed over the years and for many years. This perseverance depends fundamentally on emotional factors, such as enthusiasm and tenacity in the face of all kinds of setbacks.
Thus, emotions hinder or favor our ability to think, to plan, to undertake the training necessary to achieve a long-term goal, to solve problems, etc. To the extent that we are motivated by enthusiasm and pleasure in what we do, or even by an optimal level of anxiety, they can become excellent stimuli for achievement.
Mr. Goleman suggests that to harness motivation, you must first identify your own values. Many of us don't take the time to review what our own values are. Or even worse, we do things that contradict what we value for so long that we end up losing motivation.
Only each of us has the answer to what we want in life, but there are many strategies you can try. Use a journal to identify times when you have felt satisfied. Make a list of the things you value. And most importantly, embrace the uncertainty of life and build something. Remember that those who have achieved something you want to achieve have done so slowly, over a long period of time.
Empathy or the recognition of other people's emotions
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Self-awareness is the faculty upon which empathy is built, since the more open we are to our own emotions, the greater our skill in understanding the feelings of others.
This ability to know what others feel affects a wide range of activities (from sales to business management, compassion, politics, romantic relationships and raising our children) while its absence, which is highly revealing, can be found in psychopaths, rapists and paedophiles.
It is not common for people to verbally express their emotions, but these are usually expressed through other means such as tone of voice, gestures, facial expression. In fact, when a person's words do not match the message conveyed by their tone of voice, their gestures or other non-verbal communication channels, the emotional reality should not be sought so much in the content of the words as in the way in which the message is being conveyed. A general rule used in research on communication states that more than 90% of emotional messages are non-verbal in nature (the inflection of the voice, the abruptness of a gesture, etc.) and that this type of message is usually captured unconsciously, without the interlocutor noticing, of course, the nature of what is being communicated and limiting himself only to registering it and responding implicitly. In most cases, the skills that allow us to adequately perform this task are also learned tacitly.
Here are some tips for practicing empathy:
- Listen in silence : This is the hardest tip because it is the most important. You can't experience other people's lives to fully understand, but you can listen to them. Listening allows the other person to speak and not be contradicted. It means putting aside your biases, assumptions, and skepticism for a moment and letting the person you're talking to have a chance to express how they feel. Empathy isn't easy, but virtually every relationship you have can be improved, even in the slightest, by waiting even an extra 10 seconds before jumping into the conversation.
- Take the opposite position : One of the quickest ways to cement an opinion in your mind is to argue in favor of it. To balance it out, take the opposite position. For example, if it seems to you that your boss is acting unreasonably, take his or her place in your mind. Would his or her actions seem unreasonable to you if you were in your boss's shoes? Even asking yourself the questions may be enough to start sympathizing with the other person's point of view (although getting real answers from other people helps, too).
- Don’t say “I know,” really try to understand (or rather, put yourself in the other person’s shoes). Understanding is the key to empathy. Understanding makes the difference between “knowing” and truly “empathizing.” If you find yourself saying, “I know, but…” often, take that as an indicator that you need to think about it a little more. When someone tells you about an experience that is not yours, take some time to think about what your life would be like if you experienced that situation every day. Meditate on it until it sinks in. It’s fine if you don’t spend your day immersed in the other person’s life, but imagine what it is like for a while; it can be beneficial.
By definition , empathy means embracing the feeling of emotion with the other person. Letting that person's emotions resonate with yours and reciprocating appropriately. It's fine to offer advice or optimism, but empathy also requires that you wait for the right moment to do so. If the person is on the verge of tears, or shares a painful feeling with you, don't make light of it or try to minimize the pain. Be aware of how the person must be feeling and give them the space they need to feel it.
Control of relationships or social skills
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To master this ability, you need self-control and empathy, which are the foundations on which social skills are developed. These are the interpersonal skills that guarantee effectiveness in dealing with others and whose lack causes even the most intellectually brilliant people to fail in their relationships and to be arrogant, insensitive and even hateful. These social skills are what allow us to relate to others, to mobilize them, inspire them, persuade them, influence them and reassure them - in short, to delve deeper into the world of relationships.
You can start with the most common form of social problem solving: resolving a disagreement. This is where you put all your skills to the test in a real-world situation. You can delve deeper into this topic in Goleman's text Emotional Intelligence , but here are some basic steps:
- Identify and manage your emotions : Whenever you have an argument with someone else, know that things can get heated. If one of the people involved is nervous, resolve that issue first. Take a moment to vent to yourself first, then get back to the problem. In a work environment, this might mean “complain to a friend before you email your boss back.” In a romantic relationship, remind your partner how much you care about their well-being before you criticize them.
- Address the real problem(s) once things have cooled down : Once things have cooled down, identify what the real problem is. Before jumping to solutions, make sure that both you and the other person agree on exactly what the problem is. Propose solutions that are beneficial to both of you, and be sympathetic to any concessions the other person doesn't want to make (but be sure to be firm on your own).
- Build on a cooperative atmosphere: Whether professional or romantic, relationships work best when those involved know they are on the same page. Even if you can't come to an agreement, be sure to communicate that you remain cooperative. Let your boss/coworker/partner know that you want to work/act toward the same goal, even if you have different points of view.
Of course, not every interaction with other people has to be a conflict. Some social skills include meeting people, socializing with people who think differently than you, or just playing a game. However, resolving conflict can be one of the best ways to learn how to apply your emotional skills. Disputes are best resolved when you know what you want, can communicate it clearly, understand what someone else wants, and are on good terms with everyone.
If you have been paying attention to the article, you will notice that this last fragment involves each of the areas of the emotional intelligence model.